You can’t always get what you want is a song about a falsehood. I always seem to get what I want but what I want rarely turns out to be what I need. I’ve spent a whole bunch of time alone and in my head. In the past when I was a kid I had friends who I could hang out with all the time but I really couldn’t talk to. I’m just different. No that can’t be true.
OK Maybe I’ve written about this before but when I was in the 6 grade I went to middle school and I really don’t know what the hell I was thinking. First they put me in the top class that was actually reading Dune but once again I didn’t do anything. I didn’t even read the book so they put me in a lower class. During recess I hung out with just one person. His name was Tim Armstrong and he was weird like me. We both had this imaginary world that we took from our grade school days where I was a Floppy Fingered Goober and he was a Blue Moon Goober and from that premise we passed the time during our lunches and breaks. I really don’t remember what things we actually did but I do remember getting into a lot of trouble. I don’t know why. I think the principle didn’t like me or something. They put me into solitary confinement one day. I had to stay in a room by myself all day long. I got back at the principle by not speaking up when lunch came so he had to take me personally and then I didn’t leave after school because no one told me to so they had to drive me home.
I look back at my early childhood I can’t think of how I could have been helped. I just didn’t do anything I was told. I also didn’t do anything at all. I spent my time by myself just like I am right now. No one else is awake. Nothing I do matters right now. I remember listening to the radio every night and listening to the a local Loveline show or to the radio mystery theatre. I remember the concept of Spur of the moment.
It seemed all the people wanted a partner who would do things on the spur of the moment. I know that’s what I always wanted. Then again I didn’t ever do anything on my own. I mean I needed to be led or I just sat around spending long hours playing with my Lego‘s.
Ahh my legos I remember I had this one design for the perfect space ship or airship . In fact I could probably build it right now. I have very very few memories of my childhood because I never wanted to remember anything I was so ashamed of everything I did. I remember I failed in so many ways. I remember I always always felt ashamed of myself. I remember I went to school everyday with a coat on that had fake fur around a hood that was attached. I always put it on and tightened to strings so I could just see out. I walked around looking at my shoes on the ground.
Looking at my feet. Wow I guess I spent just about all my time looking down at the safe ground . I walked up and down the beaches of the puget sound looking for limpets and rocks. I walked up and down the logs that bordered the next door nighbours c shaped drive way looking for snakes. I caught a lot of snakes and frogs. At that time I really had no friends I always assumed that Tim was much smarter than me and that’s why I stopped doing anything with him.
But hell I don’t know what happened really. I rember crying all the time because my dad smoked which is kinda weird because I smoke now. Mainly I remember feeling so guilty so so so guilty I could barely thing about anything else. I always felt guilty about not staying with my mom one night when she asked me to. I went to my Friends instead. I also remember feeling guilty or hurt if my mother or Anyone’s mother made something that got thrown away. This wasn’t some passing little feeling but it was an intense feeling of sadness that there was this effort made that wasn’t appreciated. I would feel that off and on for many yeasrs to come. In fact the feelings I had about the time I didn’t stay with my mom were still able to bring my to tears long after I left high school even though the event occurred before I was in first grade. I had so many things to feel bad about.
You know I kinda left my whole past. I’m unsure of what to think anymore. It doesn’t really come back unbidden anymore. It’s like it was somebody elses past. I haven’t talked to my mother or father in at least a and I haven’t talked to my sister in 4 or 5 years. I don’t talk to anyone I knew from the 36 or so years I lived in Washington state. I din’t purposely run away I just followed someone who told me what to do to wisconsin and then I actually decided I wanted to go to Tennessee. That move is one of the only ones I can rember that didn’t involve force or failure or escape.
Wow this is going nowhere fast It’s like one of those photos I’ve been taking where there is a center that is in focus but all around it there is a fast moving blur.
I can’t paint a picture of it. It doesn’t exist like that. There are just scraps and liitle scenes that don’t cohere and I wonder if it’s worth even writing this. But I would like to be able to write since I have a hard time thinking and finding people to talk to about certain things oh whatever. I’m gonna stop now
The Persistence Of This Illusion Is Astonishing 