The Days Of Beer and Robotussin

The Papers came in really late this morning.  I didn’t start my route until 4:30 A.M..  I wasn’t tired but I didn’t want it to get light so I went as fast as I could.  I didn’t beat the sun though and I began to have some strange feelings.  I remembered a time around 15 or twenty years ago when I lived in the university district in Seattle.  The memory was like one you get with certain smells, like it was way down in the primitive part of the brain.

First Delivery Of the Morning
First Delivery Of the Morning

I was working nights at a nursing home in Bellevue, WA I liked working nights and it felt good to have a job but of course I was still going nowhere, I had no thought of what to do but to get through the next day.  I made a friend with this guy I felt kinda superior to.  He let me decide what we were going to do, how we were going to slide, disappoint make apparent our lack of direction.  We both were white and had Asian girlfriends though I’m not sure what that meant since neither of us dominated our respective relationships in a normal way.  In fact we both ran around like naughty children.  We played video games all the time(super Mario Brothers 3) and we drank a lot.

Beware the guifesen
Beware the guifesen

What hit me so hard as the sun was coming up was the times we drank whole bottles of Robitussin (dextromethorphan).  I remember getting lost in the arboretum, I remember driving around to get more alcohol.  I remember how there just wasn’t anything to do and how desperate I felt being in my own skin.

I had no goals and I just wanted distract myself from feeling like a failure.  Of course at that time I had no Idea that my life would just continue to slide out of control until I ended up homeless.  I had no Idea that I was probably hurting everyone around me.  I didn’t think to actually write or draw or do anything creative I just plugged my self into video games and listened to Public Radio.

Maybe it was the chill in the Tennessee air that reminded my of those days in Seattle.  Being up in the morning after having worked all night.  Being alone in the morning after being alone all night changing bed pads and emptying urinals and catheter bags.  We had a lot of time to sit working nights and I believe I spent a lot of time reading the PDR (Physicians Desk Reference) just desperately looking for a way out.

I think I felt I was totally unique in my baseness. I mean who drinks Robitussin to get off, not to common at the time I don’t suppose.  Then again last night I listened to Nietzsche‘s the Antichrist and I doubt I’ll share that with anyone.  What a wall one builds.  What a strange bunch of distancing maneuvers.

No it’s not like that was then and this is now.  It’s not like there is a narrative here. No nothing so simple as that.  In fact I wander sometimes if anything has really changed.  Perhaps I just misvalued things then, perhaps I do that now.

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The Days Of Beer and Robotussin

what does “evil” mean?

Ants and Cicada
Ants and Cicada

The word evil refers to the idea some people entertain that there is some extra-human type of force that guides humanity to act in a manner that harms other people. Strange as it may seem the closest man can get to being evil is to believe that there is an evil force.  If one believes there is evil then a few things happen. One may informally observe that the people who fervently believe in evil are the same ones who override the natural voice one hears when listening to ones inner voice, since they believe in evil they can doubt their conscious and do horrible and seemingly inhuman thing to other people.  The belief or ideology overrides the natural inclinations to get along with other people and be kind to them.  The “do unto others” concept resonates so well because it is in accord with ones natural inclinations.  However as a practical matter since the Christians and the Jews and many other religious freaks put an Ideology ahead of a inner knowledge of what one should do they essentially are the evil they profess to believe in and oppose.  They do willful and terrible things to other people and believe that’s what some transcendent being who reasons are inscrutable wants them to do.  They proceed to bring what is essentially the doing or harmful things to other people without feeling bad about it.

For example people believe in the ideology of democracy and therefore submit to the power of the state thinking this is the right thing to do. For example every American who dutifully pays their taxes is actually funding the murder of other people.  They can’t bring themselves to override the ideology with their own sense of justice.

I hope god wipes them er us off the face of the earth.

Americans who fund and support torture

unwittingly are perhaps less to blame.

what does “evil” mean?