Tiny little voices are soft I can hardly hear them when I am doing something. That goes double for my own voice. Being an easily influenced personality I have found myself needing to isolate when I am not on the computer. I sit here in the back yard in a little tool shack watching the sunset develop presently. The neighbors are right on the other side of this wooden shed that shares the fence as a wall. They have been outside all day off and on. Sometimes they ride double on this tiny little minibike- a relatively large bodied person i surrounding a still fairly wide eyed tot. The bike goes around me all the way. I can’t see it from here. They take it to the side walk and ride it around our house which is on the corner. The sidewalk is a bit slanted in front of our house and there is a place where the concrete sits up a couple of inches. I imagine the bike must jump a bit off of that. Wow and there they would be set against that sunset in front of that huge tree.
Like a postcard or my own little commercial in super HD. How much would that cost.
But hell I’d have to get up to see that and it’s kinda nice here in the shade.
I’m listening to this recording of Beckett’s Molloy on some headphones but its soft enough for the trains to drown it out.
So much going on out here. Sometime I can and feel the subwoofer when the nieghbour turn up their “rap” music. I assume that’s what it is. It’s got this weird bass-line but then there is already much too much isn’t there.
Isn’t it terribly concentrated and overlapping this place we are in.
I got neighbors and roads and wires and pipes and houses all over this place. They surround me. The cars drive around me within one to a hundred feet. The planes pass overhead Supersonic Jets boom and biplanes and helicopters range in volume but occasionly the are even louder then our barking dogs. One of which has a skin condition and mewls and yaps for long stretches as it spins its infected hindquarters into the sharp driveway gravel until there is a bare spot of dirt whose radius does eventually stabilize.
Oh and no one knows anyone.
Or to be more precise I know no one.
I really haven’t made any effort to converse with anyone and unlike someone alone and silent in a big city A.A. meeting here you get to be left alone or never the less are left alone whatever your feelings.
But really that is an inherited condition. I am really just extremely afraid of people. This doesn’t stop me from communicating online occasionally as long as there is no reason to do so.
Today who knows what happened. It just happened without much will from me. Some days I don’t care. I keep thinking “well at least I’m not my dad who wasted so much of his life and just reads a bunch of crappy master and commander novels” but then there is books again. I’m thinking and thinking and thinking some more. I don’t want to waste the time I have doing boring and pointless things. I’m here now I can do whatever the hell I want and I don’t want to waste it. But this worlds is filled with so many shallow vapid rigid idiots. Or smart people with something to prove who use there head like some Lothario uses his dick. I’m fucking bored. None of my photo’s are turning out right today.
This afternoon I reached a point of pure apathy and I had the right book sitting on my hard drive for times like that. I started listening to Waiting for Godot and its all there, fuck I didn’t even really need to listen to it. But back of my mind I need a project to dedicate myself to. Not just taking photographs because that doesn’t change things. I want a project that changes the project. I want ever-changing vistas to appear everyday. I was sitting in the dairy queen today and I thought how lucky I was to spend so much time in self directed activity. It’s led me to a place where the dairy Queen seems like some alien world. It’s like going through some virtual reality. I listen to the songs on the radio and I think about just what they mean I mean what the really mean and I look at all the different ways matter has been manipulated by human being to create all the objects every place i look. I can see the coercion in the process and the intent and the purpose of all the objects and then on top of that there is the pure form and color they possess. It’s just so interesting to think about a sign and what went in to make it and why it’s there. The tired modes of thought and and actions people take are so insane looked at in this way. People just seem to do as close to the same thing everyday as they can. People are driven by so many forces outside themselves to do so many things that they would have never freely chosen to do. But then it’s a short hop from the apathy I felt listening to “Godot” and utter hopelessness.
It’s like I just want to go up to people and shake them and scream “what the hell are you doing? Why? Why do you give me such lame excuses for existing? why do you spend your lives following other people around. Are you even alive?”
I haven’t done that yet. 😉