Well It just got uncomfortable enough for me to start this again. I hope I’m not wallowing in the past. But themn what the hell does that mean. Ireally feel at times like I’ve been through everything and found it wanting. That is ridiculous because I happen to know for a fact that reality is so much bigger then most people imagine.
Yesterday I wrote a bunch of stuff about my past, I trotted out the old sorry stoyries but I guess I didn’t qualify them or perhaps I slipped into self pity. Whatever the case I don’t know what or why I did what I did but I suspect it has something to do with my head.
I am so glad I didn’t get the head that most people have. People who “know” what’s right and wrong and do wrong thinking they are doing right. I’m glad I can listen to myself even though I don’t seem to make sense. But my life is so so different kmow. I am obsessed with taking pictures. I must spend 8 or 9 hours a day doing it. I’ve never spent that kind of time doing anything except reading. Even when I got my degree I didn’t spend this kind of time.
But then I can’t keep this up. I am slowly realizing I am going nowhere. I am completely isolated. Mary seems happy that she doesn’t have to be around people but I think I really want to. I also think I have become so different that I probably won’t find any friends.
I think it’s easier to do this when you don’t watch TV. I think the Television turns people into zombies. I think that most people believe that the media is some kind of representation of society but that’s only the case because the only the case because everyone watches or reads things they find laying around them within easy reach, or blaring out of a box right in front of their face.
Where can I go anymore what can I do? I want to play I want to piss of some rednecks I want to cause some trouble. No maybe I don’t It’s just that everything is so so so booorrrringg. I have seen every film and read every book and there is nothing left to do but create. So that’s all I seem to do. I can’t even read a whole book very easily.
One thing that is interesting is my relationship with my family. I still have one at least on my side. I get so angry sometimes. It just doesn’t seem fair that they ended up believing a bunch of things about me that weren’t true. But then again I could die tomorrow so who give a shit.
God I would kill for some pot. I’ve been listening to Babbit(the Sinclair Lewis novel)which tales place during the prohibition and the main character is a staunch supported of the alcohol ban even though he does drink bootleg stuff with his friends. It’s weird how saturated our culture is with marijuana. I just saw a horror movie(30 days of night) about vampires set in barrow alaska and the characters end up trying to get to the place wherwhere this lady grew pot so they can use the light to kill the vampires. I think without something people become really boring. No one wants to think it’s like its a chore. Everyone goes around saying oh boy I hate math or that novel is to dense or I don’t know anything about that. Well that’s just stupid.
People are just afraid of looking stupid and the american media and the advertisers have a vested interest in having a popolus dependent on experts. But the experts just like the journalists on TV aren’t there to help you or even to be experts they are there to make money. That’s why people in america are so stupid when it comes to letting the rich guys keep so much of the money. THere is only one yardstick of success in america and that’s money.
Just they other day I was listening to a speker at a 12 step meeting and she gave one of those really inspirational speeches and then it turns out she managed a bunch of check cashing firms. Talk about the lowest rung of society. Yet in america people don’t think about what they are actually doing. It’s like we all just want to be told what to do and the greatest thing a person can achieve in there lifetime is the ability to take direction. I mean don’t people realize what the nazi’s and the stalinist taught us. It is possible for a culture to overide a persons individual conscience and it is a persons individual conscious which is there conduit to a higher power. It doesn’t come from tdoing what your parents told you, or doing what the preist tells you. If you did that scrupulously all your life then you wouldn’t be a human being. And most people aren’t.
But then again I gets so fucking scary sometimes. I have feelings all the time like my whole worlds caving in like I righht on the edge It’s times like that I want to reach out for help but there really isn’t any. Not for people like me. I can’t recognize anyones authority in fact i’m in kind of a bad spot because I don’t know anone I could consult about anything. THis world is so small it get’s really easy to know just about everything.
Well perhaps just everything that most people ever talk about. But then do peole ever talk about anything anymore. What the hell is going on anyway.
I don’t do anything that is necessary for anyone. THe biological fact that I am alive has become meaningless. People die all the time. They are probably shoveling some african stick figure into a mass grave as we speak. What have we last, I didn’t know them and they didn’t know our pretend culture. Here we are creating our little live by doing nothing for nobody. I haven’t grown any food or built any shelters of done anything worth while ever.
I have never done anything that would help my species survive. But then who give a shit. In the end it’s all just a bunch of stuff and nonsemse. Isn’t that why we watch the media because we know deep down there really is nothing to know. Is that it. Perhaps that’s what you might think If your not very curious or you’ve proven unable to take care of yourself but then again if I truly believed that I would blow my brains out right now