Why do you give me such lame excuses for existing

Today who knows what happened.  It just happened without much will from me.  Some days I don’t care.  I keep thinking “well at least I’m not my dad who wasted so much of his life and just reads a bunch of crappy master and commander novels”  but then there is books again.  I’m thinking and thinking and thinking some more.  I don’t want to waste the time I have doing boring and pointless things.  I’m here now I can do whatever the hell I want and I don’t want to waste it.  But this worlds is filled with so many shallow vapid rigid idiots.  Or smart people with something to prove who use there head like some Lothario uses his dick.  I’m fucking bored.  None of my photo’s are turning out right today.
This afternoon I reached a point of pure apathy and I had the right book sitting on my hard drive for times like that.  I started listening to Waiting for Godot and its all there, fuck I didn’t even really need to listen to it.  But back of my mind I need a project to dedicate myself to.  Not just taking photographs because that doesn’t change things.  I want a project that changes the project.  I want ever-changing vistas to appear everyday.  I was sitting in the dairy queen today and I thought how lucky I was to spend so much time in self directed activity. It’s led me to a place where the dairy Queen seems like some alien world.  It’s like going through some virtual reality.  I listen to the songs on the radio and I think about just what they mean I mean what the really mean and I look at all the different ways matter has been manipulated by human being to create all the objects every place i look.  I can see the coercion in the process and the intent and the purpose of all the objects and then on top of that there is the pure form and color they possess.  It’s just so interesting to think about a sign and what went in to make it and why it’s there.  The tired modes of thought and and actions people take are so insane looked at in this way.  People just seem to do as close to the same thing everyday as they can.  People are driven by so many forces outside themselves to do so many things that they would have never freely chosen to do.  But then it’s a short hop from the apathy I felt listening to “Godot” and utter hopelessness.
It’s like I just want to go up to people and shake them and scream “what the hell are you doing? Why? Why do you give me such lame excuses for existing? why do you spend your lives following other people around.  Are you even alive?”
I haven’t done that yet. 😉

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Why do you give me such lame excuses for existing

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