Nothing Will Ever Be Enough

It goes on and on
and now it’s bad again
and I’m feeling alone again

so many of my
favorite
writers and musicians
have killed themselves
Thomas Disch
and
David Foster Wallace
recently

How can I continue on
I keep hoping I’ll somehow
find some marijuana
but then i know that might
not be so good

I feel like now that I have my medication
I should be alright

but I had a tooth pulled
it makes me feel so mortal
so goddamn useless

I don’t know what I could ever want now
A new camera
maybe

When I was a kid things could make me happy

now I am in a zone or on a plane

A plain that stretches out everywhere to nothing

I feel like the pointless shoes I the film Gerry
they just blithely go around in a daze
lost but unable to really be serious
and Instead of going through some melodramatic death scenes
where they remember their past or dread their future
they just stop talking and it’s over

They just stop talking
and that’s supposed to mean something
people are supposed to be able to be happy
people are supposed to want things
aren’t they

I can’t believe there is no father or mother out there
for all of us to find
some loving presence that will make everything ok finally

someone to apologize to
someone who knows more

But that just isn’t the case is it
there is nothing out there

I almost want to pick up a Bukowski book
just to see how it is to never hope
or see if I am missing something
but there doesn’t seem to be anyone
or anything that is out there to save me

and there is but one to hug me
another me
another one for death to cure

No roaring fires
no shelter from the storm
just endlessly slippery concepts
of loss and grief and
REGRET

It was all for nothing
right?
and I’m just to afraid
to do anything about it

I have become my own god and no one
can say a goddamn thing to me

know one can trump my knowledge
because I ahve thought of or dismissed
every idea
every way out

I wish I were a heroin addict
that would get me in shape
I’d get A nice routine going

I could sleep in comfort till I died

but this isn’t going to happen
nothing ever happens
things are just done