Can it be true that everything in my …

(sorry this keyboard is fucked)
Can it be true that everything in my life could be undone by an inability to get the medication that led me here.
Of course it’s true. Before Prozac. I could barely pass any course in college but after I started…a biochem degree…

I WENT TO A NICE DOCTOR who informed me that methylphenidate DOESN’T TREAT ADULT adhd IT ONLY ACTS AS SPEED.
so EVEN THOUGH i WAS PRESCRIBED THIS MEDICATION BY
1. a DOCTOR IN Iowa COUNTY under the advice of my drug and alcohol counseler
2.two doctors at the free Dean Health foundation in madison
3 a doctor at the university of Wisconsin physicians group in McFarland Wisconsin
4. a doctor at group health.

he is unable to give me any presciption for it here in tennessee.

This is the second time I have been denied this prescription even though I was paying or going to pay the entire fee upfront for the appointment.

It seem here in Tennessee the stupid drug addled loser residents must stand for this kind of treatment.
or I GOT to know someone.

Well I Don’t know ANYONE
AND WITHOUT THIS MEDICATION i PROBABLY NEVER WILL.

i AM SEEING YESTERDAY AS THE apogee of my life.

Me and Mary drove through the country and I took pictures
we went and tried to buy some Frankincense(there is a chemical in Frankensence that has been shown to be a potent anti anxiety and antideppressant agent in rat models.)
walked around
came home
went to a meeting of
local enviormentalists
I posted stuff
got the strength to do some yard work

Read aloud to chapters of a book by Derrida
read aloud three chapters of a book by
Barthelme (Some crazy postmodern comic writer)

then watched some family guy with Mary in my arms.

I was even told I could get away with wearing a skin tight shirt
because I have lost so much weight.

This will all end soon

there is no way out.

Here are the most probable future paths.

1. I will end up drinking and then be sent to detox or the mental hospital
when I threaten to kill myself. This could lead to me seeing a doctor who would then prescribe
stuff that doesn’t work.
2. I will just continue to become more and more unable to deal with everyday things
until the stress mutates into arguments and recriminations.
3. I’ll get the seroquel prescription first and start taking it all the time until I am fat again or I am able
to sleep all day.

but THAT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER BECAUSE i DID CHOOSE TO BE AN “artist”

UNFORTUNATELY It seems without the medication I was on I will be unable to continue to create interesting vital art
that’s obviously already occurred as on can see a distinct lack of any artistic spark an any of my art after the Dream America Series.

I road down here in the most wonderful state of confusion
all do to my own ability to stop judging myself so harshly.

I didn’t care what I did or took
but I never stopped being creative or motivated
and I never turned into the kind of monotone
addict one wants to make everything illegal for.

However now I have no people to go to
no friends No “connections”
nothing.
In fact if I could get My car fixed I would start commuting once a month to Madison to get my medication
It would be ALOT
cheaper
“Like FREE if I went to the dean clinic”

THe CAR is shot however
the money is tight
the motivation to overcome these hurdle is
ebbing.

It’s slowly falling apart.

Heaven is crashing in on itself.

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Can it be true that everything in my …

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