Can you know yourself? Can you know a me I wouldn’t recognize?

Can you know yourself? Can you know a me I wouldn’t recognize?

I keep getting all mixed up about things and perhaps that’s due to mental illness.  It doesn’t really matter on an experiential level.

to be truly mentally ill would effect even your own view of mental illness wouldn’t it?  But that still doesn’t mean you can’t feel guilty and all those things does it? No!

but then that would mean everyone is potentially mentally ill and some recognize it in themselves and some don’t.   Some also falsely identify themselves and others as mentally ill.

Too bad there isn’t anything to really measure the extent or type of mental illness an individual has biologically.  Oh there are various organic differences  that coincide with some really vague and general categories of depression or organic brain disease.  An (Illness) like depression or Bi-polar Disorder or ADHD are extremely vague illnesses.  It seems like the only real guidelines you can go with on treating them (especially since with  advent of polypharmacy all the drug are used to treat all the illnesses.) is give someone a pill and see if they come back for more or something different.

It’s funny considering what the pills propose to be able to do that more people don’t fine tune there dosing even more.  Since one thing doctors respond to or in other words the one of  the primary things doctors want to know is which drugs have worked for the patients in the past and what dosage they were on.  If a person can tell a doctor then they can tell themselves whether they feel better or not.  If a person could be truly honest and there actions matched up with some vision they had of themselves in their head then they should be able to gauge what works and what doesn’t especially after consulting intimate non controlling friends or family.

The Kingdom Of Ends (New Short Film)

The Kingdom Of Ends
A Tangential Ecology
Original Production.
Directed By SoraxTm
Soundtrack By Figment Topology
Photography By Maurice Arthur FitzGerald
Public Domain Audio From Alessandro Moreschi
recorded in 1904
Fair Use Audio Clips of
Rick Roderick
William Blake (Poem By)
Ernest Becker (form His Book The Denial Of Death)
Bill Wilson Et Al. From The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
Tea Party Demonstration DSLR Video
Provided By Maurice Arthur FitzGerald
Title From Immanuel Kant

Getting out for a change

I’ve been thinking about the concept of care. Like when i read  “In entering into a relationship with an object of desire it attains its Name, defines its personality, it comes alive by giving it intimate attention, it vibrates a Numinosum, the beauty of soul is brought out in a participation mystique.” I think of the relationships i get into with my various interests. Like how I got the idea to take care of the

Tullahoma Tennessee

Tullahoma Tennessee

Sunset_On_Dirty_Glass_by_soraxtm

Sunset_On_Dirty_Glass_by_soraxtm

garden around my house maybe a year ago.

I let that relationship grow and was able to see with more and more depth and resolution various aspect of the garden. Like what the soil was like and how the water ran and the age of different things.

I ripped up the floor of an old shed and stripped everything out and now I sit there alone and think about how

Question_Of_God_Life_Pond_by_soraxtm

Question_Of_God_Life_Pond_by_soraxtm

squatting(physically) in this shed on the dirt looking out the doorway I am physically in relatively the same material environment as someone in a third world country. I like to see the dirt and i think i desire to let down finally all the culturally instilled preconceived notions i had about the value of things.

Finally_A_Way_Out_by_soraxtm

Finally_A_Way_Out_by_soraxtm

When I think back just a few years ago i realize that I was involved in a culture of death that spread inaction and frustration as life denying stances became valued as death avoiding.

I am pretty sure we may all die but I am totally sure i don’t know for myself what that really means. It looks like no one around me

Institution_of_Marraige_by_soraxtm

Institution_of_Marraige_by_soraxtm

alive at all. Everyone looks and act dead. Everyone sits and sits and yells and moans yet accepts the limited horizon offered by the cultural worldview derived from the mass media.

A Human Is An Opening To Being

It’s important to get a “sponsor” in twelve step programs. Being based on a spiritual experience these programs offered the role of the sponsor. This is a person who has “got it”. Often times they subsequently “lose it” but purpose of the relationship is to transfer the mysterious spiritual experience. This it truly impossible to describe.

As a person who Identifies as an alcoholic I will never know if I really looked at life that differently from ordinary people. Perhaps some genetic predisposition caused my “disease”. Whatever the case may be I found that the only way I could truly put down the bottle for a long period was by completely changing my outlook on reality. I live under the assumption that your average person or most people never come to a situation were they have to change their behavior in the face of death. Its rather strange to have to just stop doing something or else.
In the face of this decision I came to realize that I hadn’t ever really seen a whole picture.
I had these notions about what other people thought and what I was supposed to do but I found my own reasons why I could transgress these rules. It’s not important how or what one actually does its the fact that ones own deeply held sense of what is right is offended. Fighting, anger, remorse, shame, paranoia there are so many ways to stay the focus of your own attention. This process is self defeating and eventually own realizes that inside there is something very much the same about all the other humans we come in contact with.
It behooves one to understand that the world is filled with people who may be experiencing things just as we do or perhaps entirely differently but they do experience. If we accept this premise then our consciousness should expand to include the people we come in contact with and ourselves as beings we have a reason to be understanding and forgiving of.

The word sponsor might be misleading in certain ways. It has the connotation that the sponsor is needed to introduce one as an OK fella to the group and to your higher power god figure. This is not the case. The sponsor doesn’t need support to the sponsee in any way materially or mentally. The sponsor brings the voice of the spiritual experience to another person in a time of desperate crisis. Thus one receives the most valuable this life has to offer at the moment of greatest suffering. I can only say this because I experienced it and that is how it seems to me.
The feelings of faith in the human spirit become very strong. One encounters hundreds of people who were just destroyed by life and their disease who never the less describe a new life that is better than any previous one. This leads one to inculcate the story/mythology/process by which a person can undergo a profound change. This change is like the change one might feel taking a psychedelic drug.
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The amorphous quality of value we imbue things with changes fundamentally as it is a projected quality in many ways. It gives a feeling of power over the need to control things. Once one begins to see through things one realizes that there are only a few basic human needs which one is provided almost without fail in this country ,however very very few humans are engaged in any productive activity whatsoever. Things that are produced beyond food shelter and community are not really important. It’s not that we don’t FEEL that they are important because they are often the things we find most important in our lives.

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But structurally- physically they serve no function to help one live. Cars help one live in little detached huts dotting the landscape but they don’t shelter or feed anyone. How many farmers do you know? How many carpenters?
So why do you work so hard? Why do you keep putting things off? Why does everything depend on money. This is because instead of spending our time in an environment of people telling a story of self transformation we spend our time alone interacting with the mass media. The mass media consists of two forces. The advertisers only care manipulating you into doing something you wouldn’t have thought off doing unless it had been brought to your attention . This fundamental fact underlies all advertisements. You have something of value they want and the only requirement they have is to get it. They just need money. You kinda know this but you feel that it’s OK and it doesn’t have anything to do with the content. But that just is not the case.

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The positing of a need or a lack in people is the job of advertisers but it has spilled over to color all the media. The underlying message is you get something for nothing. If you start looking at the box pretty soon you begin to look forward to looking at it. So here is a thing that can capture your attention without you even really having to choose what to do or look at.

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I suspect that the act of staring at a two dimensional object without having to move ones head is a radically new human behavior. Of course so is reading a book but there is a very very big difference. This difference does not mean that anyone is intentionally doing anything wrong. It’s just a mechanism inadvertently generated due to the funding mechanism of the mass media. This means that we essentially sell our attention to advertisers with the agreement that they either make or fund broadcast-able events that will in turn capture our attention. Either way it seems the majority of people are either unable or unwilling to choose what to do with their minds.

irst paoprizes


It’s like humans are just dying to to live like a large carnivore. We just get our our food then sit around looking at stuff or eating. As animals we could not have evolutionarily prepared for the advent of the next tool of transcendence. Like say a cell wall(suddenly cells!), DNA(suddenly evolution)every organelle a cell(suddenly specialization),,various forms of locomotion, sex etc. It’s like huge jumps in “capabilities” suddenly gel. As we get closer to our time we see things like flight and sight developing. It’s weird but it would seem that there does seem to be at least a rudimentary direction to LIFE. First it shows up in some environment like say A tide pool or a hot ocean vent and then “magically” forms appear which can live in other environments. What this takes it some kind of ability which which could not have come about through any experience in the environment the “new” life suddenly finds itself propagating in. Look at an eye It seems so miraculously specialized but this seems to be what happens to life over time. This extreme organization looks extremely over done but senses allowed forms of life to adapt to different environments. But really that is beside the point in a way.
It just seems like one could describe consciousness in a way as another in a long line of strange things like eyes and wings which allow life to somehow start moving in a different space. But then there are now a lot of flying and seeing creatures but it would seem only one conscious one. Wouldn’t it seem like maybe in the future there might be more than one. Perhaps as we can look back and try to find some connection between single celled organisms who interact among each other and sometimes(a a very simple way)us and all these huge multi-cellular beings. Viewed as singular and apart these multicelullar individuals(communities of specialized cells working as a system who boundaries are described by the easily discerned(especially through sight)demarcation between whats on the inside or attached to the bag of skin and what is outside and not attached). interact in ways that viewed through a humans eyes and looking at it western way seem outlandishly more complex.
Or to put it another ways the illusion that we experience through our judgment based on highly specialized organs that evolved for a different reasons in another environment altogether resembles the illusion we get when we use our minds eye or “self” to peer from whatever it exists to somehow “model” the eye as a physical collection of specialized cells that somehow looks like it exists to SEE/sense other collections of cells that are perceived as unities from the vantage point of what seems to be the “reason” the “EYE” exists.

DSCN0377

So I propose there is another ” environment ” which our consciousness exists. The “place” of this environment may only be able to seen from the top down (as we model three dimensional space perceived through the physical eye( a collection of specialized cells that look like they are working together to serve conduit for the transmission of three dimension information which is used to model the world. The conception or model that comes out of an illusion created in the brain by a consciousness that exists in another environment but none the less only has “eyes” for our so called physical plane of existence.

Fair 014_17_20

just one long distraction

individal-032-edit-2-1-2Here I am again.  It’s 11:58 and I’m alone.  I’m listening to some John Coltrane Miles davis collaboration I downloaded.  I never listen to jazz—hell I really don’t listen to music much anymore-well shit that Coltrane is becoming to foreground—I’ll just switch to Eno‘s “Music for airports“.

Life is just one long distraction.  I listen to this and I watch that and I sit araound and look at pictures.  Where am I.  I get the greatest joy out of watching cartoons-well the easiest joy– I sure laugh A lot.  Strange how I came close to ending up in prison a few days ago when I drank all that vodka.  The next day I found this little eensy piece of a Bud from one of those plants.  I smoked it at night for a few days.  Boy did that rid me of  my of my anhedonia but shit I wish I were in Massachusetts or California or Alaska..

Did you know that marijauna works on a whole different neurochenmical basis then alcohol or narcotics or antideppressant or really anything.  We humans actually have endocannabinoids in our brains.  Not much is really known about the whole thing.

It’s always struck me as strange that we can have the genome of the human and the rat and god knows what all else and it hasn’t really led to anything as far as new drugs.  There hasn’t been a new antidepressant in years.  All the “new” ones are just drug companies attempts at reselling their recently off-patent drugs as new ones mainly by making them extended release which has never seemed to make them any better in my experience -in fact they are worse.  But where are all the new breakthroughs.  I guess when you look back at the history of science it turn out it isn’t something that corporations do very well.  The most important thing is for scientists to communicate with each other and that is just totally ruined in a capitalist environment.  Lots of money used to be spent on basic research at the universities but it seems that the companies have even taken that over.

I wonder how people can expect a company to do anything other than make money.  Everything that a company does is to that end or should be.  Their products don’t exist to serve the function they are used for they exist to make money.  Science doesn’t necessarily make money and to have a company that exist to make money make drugs for people is dangerously insane.  It’s essentially giving a drug pusher a monopoly on whatever they can find that will sell.

You might think that the Double-blind studies prove the effectiveness of the drugs they test but even that is debatable especially when the measure is some psychological test.  All the soft sciences like psychology or sociology are extremely prone to influence from money and culture and law and opinion.  God I depress myself when I think like this but I always think like this. I accept these opinions as reflecting what is really going on in the world so I’m stuck with them.  But I can go beyond it I suppose sometime sometime sometimes

My Eye

My Eye

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Nothing Will Ever Be Enough

It goes on and on
and now it’s bad again
and I’m feeling alone again

so many of my
favorite
writers and musicians
have killed themselves
Thomas Disch
and
David Foster Wallace
recently

How can I continue on
I keep hoping I’ll somehow
find some marijuana
but then i know that might
not be so good

I feel like now that I have my medication
I should be alright

but I had a tooth pulled
it makes me feel so mortal
so goddamn useless

I don’t know what I could ever want now
A new camera
maybe

When I was a kid things could make me happy

now I am in a zone or on a plane

A plain that stretches out everywhere to nothing

I feel like the pointless shoes I the film Gerry
they just blithely go around in a daze
lost but unable to really be serious
and Instead of going through some melodramatic death scenes
where they remember their past or dread their future
they just stop talking and it’s over

They just stop talking
and that’s supposed to mean something
people are supposed to be able to be happy
people are supposed to want things
aren’t they

I can’t believe there is no father or mother out there
for all of us to find
some loving presence that will make everything ok finally

someone to apologize to
someone who knows more

But that just isn’t the case is it
there is nothing out there

I almost want to pick up a Bukowski book
just to see how it is to never hope
or see if I am missing something
but there doesn’t seem to be anyone
or anything that is out there to save me

and there is but one to hug me
another me
another one for death to cure

No roaring fires
no shelter from the storm
just endlessly slippery concepts
of loss and grief and
REGRET

It was all for nothing
right?
and I’m just to afraid
to do anything about it

I have become my own god and no one
can say a goddamn thing to me

know one can trump my knowledge
because I ahve thought of or dismissed
every idea
every way out

I wish I were a heroin addict
that would get me in shape
I’d get A nice routine going

I could sleep in comfort till I died

but this isn’t going to happen
nothing ever happens
things are just done